Dear Friends,
As my 50th birthday swiftly approaches, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the fact that there are no rituals that mark the transition I am about to face. Growing up Catholic, the rituals of initiation and change were a matter of catechism, to be memorized, even if taking Holy Orders was impossible for me. They are Baptism, Eucharist, Reconciliation, Confirmation, Marriage, Anointing of the Sick, and good old H.O. Each marked a transition from one status to another, and they have analogs in most other religions and cultures. Eucharist and Reconciliation are repeating rituals, much like Mikveh, and some can be found in secular culture as well, like the quinceañera, the debutante ball, and, well, marriage.
We do not, however, have any rituals that mark those times in our lives that feel momentous, and which we agree exist to draw a line in time that says, you are crossing over to a different way of being. And those rituals especially do not exist for women after they’ve had children, whose many graduations and ceremonies are supposed to be reflected glory, I guess.
Inspired by Amy Schumer’s (NSFW) Last F**kable Day, I’ve decided to create a DIY Ritual Guide for creating your own transition ritual. I’m going to offer a lot of different options, and then you can pick the ones that resonate with you, and help you mark those life changes that are otherwise unheralded. They can work for the big birthdays and the regular ones in between, for moves to new locations, and for new careers. They can work for reaching menopause or andropause, or even for gender transitions. It’s your ritual! Do whatever you like!
The Stages of Ritual
I think it helps to break down the ritual into three stages: preparation, ceremony, and celebration. Preparation is the longest stage of the ritual, and within the prep stage, you will find introspection, contemplation, and re-evaluation of who you were and who you want to be. The ceremony stage is when you do something that symbolizes the change that you’ve identified. The celebration stage is the party afterward. You’ll be picking elements of your ritual.
Before you start designing your ritual, it’s important to have a notebook or piece of paper to capture your choices, decisions, and ideas. You also need a date certain to accomplish these things. Don’t spread them out over a long time. Maybe it’s your birthday, or maybe it’s a random Saturday that some friends also happen to have free. Just pick a day. The important part is that this should feel big in the same way that the change you are experiencing is big. You want to remember this day the way you remember your bat mitzvah or your wedding.
Preparation
Preparation for your ritual is going to require some writing. Here are your choices, and choose as many as you like. Make sure to write down your answers!
Take the Oldster questionnaire: Oldster Magazine has a feature that invites oldsters of every age to consider what their age means to them. Recent interviews include author Megan Stielstra (age 48) and midlife mentor Chip Conroy (63). I won’t list the questions here, but they are the same in every article.
Write a manifesto. The linked article provides the following guidelines: be concise; catch the reader’s attention (I would say, “be bold”); choose your audience (it can be you); decide on core values; map out a plan of action; and, revise your work.
Do A Personal Inventory. There are lots of websites, worksheets, and books about this, but here’s a good one I found.
Answer these Questions:
What made you feel bad at different ages (like 25 or 40) and why?
When have you felt the world was ending? Did it?
What made you feel good at different times in your life? Does it still put a smile on your face?
What puts a smile on your face?
What are you taking with you into the future and what are you leaving behind?
If writing isn’t your thing, then illustrate your past and future. Draw what you want more of in your life, and what you want less of. Make a chart that shows the people and things you love and how they are connected. Make a collage of photos and symbols.
Ceremony
The Ceremony is the time for action that memorializes the transition and is the part we commonly think about when we hear the word ritual. The bar mitzvah is a good example. From the outside, it seems like a single day when a young person becomes an adult in their community, but in reality, that young person has been studying, practicing, and contemplating this event for a long time. Here are some common ceremonial elements.
Fire
Burn something, like your list of things that made you feel bad in the past.
Light candles
Burn sage
Light a cigar or a joint
Water
Take a cold plunge
Do a spa day
Go skinny-dipping
Take a luxurious bath or shower
Take a boat ride
Air
Say out loud: I am the oldest I’ve ever been, and the youngest I will ever be.
Write something that resonates for you that marks the transition and read it to the people you trust.
Go to a special place for you, where the air is clean and you feel at ease.
Make a playlist of songs that resonate with you.
Say a prayer that has meaning for you.
Earth
Move your body: dance or go for a day-long walk
While you are walking, think about why you are where you are (both the location and your role in it) and what you appreciate about it. Think about other places you have been and the person you were in those places.
De-clutter your space, do Swedish death cleaning, or kon-marie your junk. It’s important to get rid of the things that no longer serve you and that you do not need in your future.
Note your elements and sort them into the order that you intend to do them. Select a few people who will attend this ceremony and invite them, being sure to tell them what is happening. For example, I recommend you don’t do this during the Super Bowl, for example, if you have a Niners or Chiefs fan in mind as a witness.
Celebration
After your ceremonial duties are over, it’s time to have fun! This is the part of the ritual you probably already have ideas about. Maybe it’s a simple meal with your loved ones, maybe it’s a big party. Whatever it is, it must have FOOD. The food should be comforting and delicious; this is the part of the ritual that you are giving to the other people who are marking this event with you.
The guiding principle of the celebration is not just what you want, it’s the answer to the question, “How will this touch the hearts of the people I’ve chosen to share it with?” Rituals not only mark a person’s journey, they inform and bind the people who witness it. When I go to a wedding, I remember my vows. The people who attended my wedding can attest to my vows and can help reinforce them by honoring them. Our rituals are like a daisy chain holding our self-made communities together.
Celebrations can have endless variety in their main elements:
Food
People
Time and Location
Activities
Choose what feels special to you and what will be appreciated by your guests. Now is not the time to make your vegan friends try rabbit, for example.
Okay, friends, that’s my DIY Ritual Guide! Let me know if I left anything out and I will keep this updated online. If you thought this was valuable, please share it on your social media or send it to a friend.
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It is impossible for me to overstate the degree to which I feel impoverished by having grown up shorn of rituals.
I now live in a house where ritual is widespread; and while this has improved my life measurably, I feel that I have some stunted instinct for fully appreciating its effects. My partner, who practices and leads them, is made kind of ecstatic by their practice. I love the same practices, and engage in them, but am not taken as high.
It makes me envy my partner; and, thankfully, to admire them more too.
I love this! Growing up with religion, I always felt stifled by rituals that seemed arcane or boring and stupid. And yet, as I grow older I see the ways our world is so impoverished by our lack of rituals and performative ceremony. Without them, how do we mark transitions, celebrate the changes of season, or process and share our grief in community? This is wonderful idea and I am grateful for new ideas that also incorporate old wisdom in honoring these passages in every life.